How to Survive "Getting By," or: Virginia Woolf's 4-out-of-7 Rule

Sometimes relationships are endangered not so much by hurt feelings and arguments, but by the belief that if we aren't passionately in love with our partner 100% of the time it isn't love. It seems silly, but there are many people who will leave a relationship as soon as the hot passion cools, rather than explore what it means to be intimate with someone you know. I have a friend who posts one of two things on her Facebook: 1) pictures of her in bikinis with duck lips, and 2) absolutely nauseating quotes about "true love." There's this particularly terrible one from marriage counselor Johnny Depp: "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

'dafuck? That is the worst advice ever, Johnny! Your broody, only-get-better-with-age eyes don't make it true. And it sums up all relationship problems, ever. That is not the way to build healthy relationships, it's only an excuse to hop from person to person, following your whims. There will always be someone new and hot, who you will connect with in some amazing way. You will write letters about Moby Dick and he'll write you a poem and when you see him on the subway, reading with his cute little glasses, you will want to rip his clothes off right then and there.

But, hello! That does not mean you don't love your partner. This isn't an either/or, and even if in your small little mind, Johnny, it MUST be an either/or; a new infatuation is probably not worth ditching your established relationship.

In these cases, I prefer to take my relationship advice from Virginia Woolf. She knew what's up. In a diary entry on marriage, she said: "Life--say 4 days out of 7--becomes automatic; but on the 5th day a bead of sensation (between [partners]) forms which is all the fuller and more sensitive because of the automatic customary unconscious days on either side" (p97, A Writer's Diary, Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc, 1954). This is how marriages/partnerships survive, Johnny. Every once and awhile we all want a little Vita Sackville-West, because we are (especially today) addicted to the new, to variety; we are obsessed with "love," especially the falling into it, those "Call Me Maybe" buoyancies; but a lasting relationship requires the understanding of the beauty in the four-out-of-seven rule.

And sorry to say, but not really too sorry, sometimes an "automatic customary unconsciousness" day might actually consist of weeks of cold, sexless "getting by," but that will end. It will be broken with a beautiful dinner, looking across the table at someone who understands what makes you laugh, and wants to see you happy. A person who has seen you at your most childish, and I don't mean that in a "You make me appreciate the world like a child!" I mean, "Stop slamming doors and face this problem like an adult!" Someone who has stood by you while you vomited your guts out and made you feel like Violetta, not Jersey Shore. Someone who you have fought with and thought everything was over, but realized all it takes is a little work and a lot of maturity. It will be broken on that fifth day, or week, by the arrival of a disappointing sex toy that he can turn into an amazing sexual adventure. But whatever does it, a bead of sensation will form and you will feel alive in your vital, complex, sexy relationship.

In addition to our addiction to love, we are equally obsessed with being happy all the time. Baseline is no longer evenness, it is happiness. And if we aren't "happy" we feel sad, sometimes desperately so. Acknowledging that sometimes "getting by" or surviving the day-to-day does not equal unhappiness is such a struggle. It is hard to be still with unhappiness, or what I now unfortunately think is unhappiness, but it doesn't last for long, and the good times mean more than the "getting by" periods.

Johnny Depp, I urge you to read The Ethical Slut and Portrait of a Marriage. Even if you don't want to open your relationship, it will be helpful to read and understand that desire and even falling in love with someone else, doesn't mean your relationship is over.

How to Give a Sex Toy (to someone you don't have sex with)

This etiquette guide was written for the upcoming Tulip Toy Gallery website. Tulip is a queer-friendly shop located in Chicago, Illinois.

With Mother’s Day this weekend, it seems due time to write about giving adult toys to significant people in your life whom you don’t have sex with. I’m not sure Emily Post covers this in her etiquette guide, but a sex toy or book can be a wonderfully considerate gift, assuming you know the person fairly well. As cute and flirty as that barista is, he probably won’t find it charming to receive a surprise vibrator in return for your morning latte. But buying a gift for a friend or family member can be a unique expression of affection as well. Yes, sex toys are often a taboo subject, but they are also a perfectly normal and enjoyable way to promote well-being and self-esteem. Giving a toy is definitely a risk, and you have to know your friend to know whether or not it will offend or unnerve her. However, many people will appreciate that you thought of them, and almost everyone loves when someone notices that they are a lusty, sexual being. Plus, it shows that you care about their satisfaction and happiness!

Like with any gift you give, the spirit in which it is given is more important than the actual gift. You don’t need to empty your bank account, but be thoughtful in your choice. Giving a sex toy can open up a healthy conversation and give you the opportunity to share something that is important to you. Look at sex toys as an opportunity to get something your friend wouldn’t necessarily get for himself. Maybe he hasn’t even thought of getting a toy for himself, but you can help open up new experiences for him. A few examples:

If your girlfriend has been talking about her curiosity and hesitations about anal sex, maybe giving her a fun collection like BookSmart’s beginner anal set, “The Other Door,” would be a humorous choice. Maybe it’ll sit aside as a joke gift, but maybe she’ll try it out on her own. It includes beginner anal toys like beads and a small plug, as well as a packet of necessary lubrication.

Your brother-in-law may thank you profusely for bestowing the classy Lelo prostate massager, Bob, upon him. It’s not too expensive, and is perfect for anal beginners or for use as a warm-up toy.

Your mother will appreciate that you recognize she is a vital woman when you give her the wonderful Still Doing It by Deirdre Fishel and Diana Holtzberg. It’s about much more than sex. Also, for Mother’s Day Fun Factory is promoting giving Smart Balls to your mother.

And keep a couple extra copies of The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy or another of your favorite reads for those sexually enlightened friends of yours.

When it comes to giving a higher-end toy, like a Lelo or Fun Factory vibrator, there needs to be some discussion. It can be an incredibly generous gesture on your part, but you should know what your friend wants in a vibrator before making that purchase. But if she continually admires the silky-smooth, full-bodied Elise when you visit your local sex shop...go ahead and make her day!

And just for their consideration, don’t ask for feedback once you’ve given your gift. Once that toy is into their hands it’s up to them when they use it and how much they enjoy it. But I will say: Of all the gifts I gave this Christmas, I received the most thanks (again and again and again) from those who received sex toys or books on sexuality.

njoy Pure Plug, Medium

I bought this plug because it came so very highly recommended by Epiphora (read her review here). She said, basically, that this plug was so beautiful and perfect it would be with you for life. And it is lovely, as you can see. Solid and shiny, like a piece of jewelry. And that’s sort of how I feel when I put it in; like I’m wearing expensive "butt jewelry," as Epiphora says. I will admit, I am turned on by putting beautiful, expensive things in my ass. It just begs to be photographed in black and white.

In case you don’t know about njoy, let me fill you in. They are the leaders in stainless steel sex toys. They have what is often lauded as the best g-spot dildo ever created: The Pure wand (I’m hankering to try it myself) and their plugs get positive reviews as well. The steel gives toys a nice heft, and it is easy to sanitize and retains absolutely no odor. Also, you can use any lube with it. It has all the benefits of glass with an added weight.

But when I opened it along with the Penetralia #28, I was disappointed by its small size. I should’ve measured it--I was given the measurements on the site, but I didn’t, I just went with what I thought I remembered Epiphora had (in fact, she has both the medium and the large and says if she'd have to pick she'd go with the large). For someone more anally experienced, the medium is just so small. It goes in smoothly and wears comfortably, but I don’t notice it very much.

I run it under hot water to make it really warm, and when I slip it in it’s like being in a warm bath. I can’t explain it; but that is what popped into my head. It feels luxurious and comfortable and sexy, not to mention you can just pop it in without warming up, but it does not turn me on in a wild way. And I’m realistic: a plug doesn’t have to do that, necessarily. It should sit comfortably in your body, and the njoy plug does that. Just that, if you will. And it does feel nice to have something weighty hanging out in your ass.

The neck is very slender, so it’s a good toy if you want pressure on your sphincter muscles and something against your prostate, but don’t want to feel “stretched out” afterwards. Conversely, if you want a plug that will be a good warm-up for something larger, this wouldn’t be your ideal choice. It’s nice to wear and masturbate with, occasionally clenching around the head of the toy. I notice it then, when my muscles pull it into me.

Be careful with it, as it does ding easily. In the process of taking the above pictures, the plug was dropped and now has a nick right in the point of the head. It’s small and almost unnoticeable, but sad, nonetheless. It’s always sad to damage a beautiful thing.

I only have a few plugs, but the Pure plug is definitely the one that is most comfortable to wear for extended periods, and the most attractive. I've worn it out only once, to visit Gay Mr. Dalloway at work. It was thrilling for about two minutes, and then I was uncomfortable about having something in my ass while riding the bus, surrounded by people, and very conscious that I couldn't take it out whenever I wanted. 

I think if I had bought one of the larger sizes I would be more pleased. But it's such a gorgeous, well-made plug. I wear it more than my other plugs, but not to get me off, more to have something sexy and weighty inside me.

The Fun Factory Delight

This review appeared on SheVibe, under the name Discerning Sybarite.

The Delight as Salome.

The Delight is made from smooth ABS plastic along the handle--the same material that is used in Legos and small kitchen appliances. It’s more expensive than other acrylics, but gives the toy heat and impact resistance, which you’ll appreciate when you’re cleaning four toys and knock Delight off the ledge of the sink. The insertable part of Delight, which is a little over two inches, is made from silicone. It is soft and flexible, like other Fun Factory G4 vibrators, but without the matte texture that can create a drag and require a lot of lube. The Delight is water resistant, so it's a good toy for shower play (as long as you cover it with a condom to use with silicone lube) and it's really easy to sanitize and clean.

If there is one thing Fun Factory understands, along with delivering deep, rumbling vibrations, it is the importance of appearances. I appreciate their eye-catching colors and quirky designs (though I do draw the line at inserting anything with eyes--like a caterpillar--into my rump). The Delight has a classy curlicue design--a bit like a seahorse (which also happens to be the design of my bookplates). My Delight is black and white, so it’s a bit like a seahorse in a tuxedo, which I’m fine with. As long as it doesn’t have eyes. And while on the subject: The Delight is so abstract you can leave it on your nightstand while visiting your parents' and no one will know what it is. And though I love a dick, I do appreciate the non-phallic aspect. I imagine it would make a great vibrator for hetero guys into anal play. 

Which brings me to a question for Fun Factory: Why isn’t this marketed as an anal toy? I don’t see any reason it shouldn’t be. It isn’t going to be sucked inside. It’s also a snap to clean with soap and water, so why the insistence that it’s just for g-spot and clitoral stimulation? I chose it over the Duke because the aesthetic appealed to me more. Is it because the Duke is just so much better as an anal toy for men? Perhaps I should try it--I might have a different opinion on the effectiveness of the Delight if I tried a toy specially designed for a man's anatomy.

The curved design is meant to hook right in and stimulate the g-spot and there is a tiny nub that allegedly stimulates the clitoris. My friend who has the same vibrator informed me they had their first g-spot orgasm using the Delight, which should be selling point enough.

As for me, I like that the handle hugs my body, so I can enjoy the vibrations all along my perineum up to my balls. The controls are right at the top so there’s no reaching to turn it up or activate the pulsation settings, of which there are three. The first is a slow build, the second a steady pulse, and the third a faster one.

It’s easy to charge, just as long as you have it placed somewhere the cord won’t be bumped and dislodge the magnetic charger. It holds a charge for a long time and takes just a few hours to power up fully.

When I want something pulsing inside me for a lazy masturbation session, the Delight is my go-to toy. It's perhaps the most relaxing of my toys--even after I come I like to leave it in, vibrating. After playing I feel at peace, with a happy bum.

Hosting a Trick

This etiquette guide was written for the upcoming Tulip Toy Gallery website. Tulip is a woman-owned, sex-positive shop located in Chicago, Illinois.

A most important thing to remember about hosting a Trick is that it is not much different from hosting any other sort of guest. Just because one is doing something taboo doesn’t mean one must abandon all manners. You are welcoming a stranger into your home and it is your job to make him feel at ease. “Make yourself comfortable,” is the motto of the Lazy Host. As host, it is your job to make your Trick feel comfortable, and his to be a gracious guest and suck your cock (or what have you). Gay Mrs. Dalloway has been hosted fairly atrociously at various times in his life, and if he can stop that from happening to any other well-mannered young hussy, his English degree will not have been for naught.

Preparation

Before one has departed for the meat market, or started perusing Scruff, one must be sure to be well-stocked with lubricant and condoms. It is best to have a selection of regular, large, and non-latex condoms. And plenty! Safe sex is good sex. If the Trick has any special needs in the condom department, he will likely bring his own, but he will appreciate your consideration.

Like the spices in one’s kitchen, it is useful to have an assortment of lubricants in one’s bedroom: a thick water-based will come in handy if one’s Big Boss vibrator makes an appearance; silky silicone is absolutely delightful when used for a slick pre-sex rubdown, and just perfect for long-lasting fun; and a tub of oily Boy Butter is simply a must if mutual masturbation is the agreed upon practice of the evening.

The Invitation

Remember this succinct sentence: Only sexual predators insist. Hopefully, like the best sort of parties, the rendezvous will seem to flow forward organically, but if it doesn’t, it is imperative to gather one’s dignity and “leave off.” There is no shame in masturbating alone, but it is a thousand pities to be part of someone’s self-loathing monologue in the morning.

Before the Sex

Assuming all has gone well and the decision is to return to your domicile, it is important to follow the guidelines of any good host:

1. Take the Trick’s coat. Do not leave him to disrobe and stand awkwardly, finally throwing his windbreaker on the back of your powder blue leather couch.

2. Offer a drink, and while you prepare it, let him know where the washroom is, in case he’d like to “freshen up.” If the Trick is too drunk to have another drink, one might want to consider the wisdom of taking him to bed at all. If he’s too drunk to say “no,” that’s still not a “yes.”

3. Depending on the mood, the Trick may not be ready to trundle right into one’s eager arms. One must be sensitive of this, as he is in a new environment and may feel shy. Like the fox in The Little Prince, his dick might take some gentle coaxing to come to hand. Have a seat in a neutral space and make conversation. This is where that subscription to the New Yorker and perusal of Jezebel comes to assistance. No one likes a host whose topics of conversation are limited to the bar, his ex-boyfriend, or himself.

Hopefully this goes without saying, but please have clean sheets and be freshly showered, if at all possible. Some men like the sweaty b.o., but even if you found him in The Hole at Jackhammer, don’t count on it.

After the Sex

Once you are finished, it is most important to continue to be a perfect gentleman. Never let a Trick leave without ensuring he has been completely satisfied. It is indecent to have someone over just to please yourself. If that were the case, you wouldn’t need another person. Do not immediately throw him out, but politely make it clear if you do not intend for him to spend the night. If the Trick has traveled to you, help pay for the cab home.

And when the Trick leaves, make him feel like he was the most seductive, ruttish buck you had that week. Never take sex for granted: Be appreciative. It is only proper, after someone has ridden you like you were a pole at the Pink Monkey, to make him feel like a sex god. Even if you can’t remember his name. Richard? Pete?

It was Jake, fool.

Douching and Butt Sex Expectations

Though I've been sexually active for six years, like most gay men I've remained fairly ignorant about anal intercourse. Recently I've started flipping through books* and internet forums and the more I researched the more self conscious I became. I'd been having sex for years and never once had I douched beforehand; often I'd never even done a finger cleanse. I didn't know what was expected: no one told me and it just hadn't been a problem. The second time I had sex I asked my partner for feedback, like you do, and his response was, basically, "You'll figure out what to do later on." Not helpful. When I first started reading books about anal play and cleaning, diet and douching kept coming up, and I found myself shutting down sexually. I didn't want to have sex because I never felt "prepared" (This lasted about two weeks).

This has something to do with the fact that I associate douching with medical procedures; something that is not erotic for me. The first time I did it I was twenty-one and Father bought a Fleet enema for me because I was too ashamed. I crouched over, alone in my bathroom, and then sat on the toilet, miserably pissing out of my ass in a burning torrent. My health problem was disgusting and shameful to me, this was disgusting and shameful, and so was the procedure I'd be having the following day.

I came across that forum (linked above) for gay men discussing douching. A kid wanted to know what people thought of the Colt Anal Douche, which is what I had recently purchased in my sexual paralysis. It's basically an expensive version of the Fleet enema kit, but I'll describe it in more detail in a bit. The response to the boy's query was a resounding (and I paraphrase): "It's garbage. Buy a deluxe shower enema set with ten attachments, flush out your colon, and allot at least three hours for this procedure." Unable to stop, I read pages and pages of posts filled with emoticon winks and "Oh no! Poopie!" faces, and stories from "tops" who appreciated "how clean" their date was, and stories from "bottoms" who valued being sure that nothing would "ruin" their sexual encounter. Finally, near the end, some sane person wrote that this kind of talk was damaging for men new to anal play and curious about bottoming. Yes! I wanted to cheer.

It is somewhat insane to me that most people I talk to are more willing to experience pain when bottoming, but do not want any mess. I understand that poop is (almost) universally repugnant, but preferring to experience pain (which shouldn't happen) over a little brown on a condom? That is a problem.

I don't want there to be a mess when the dick reappears, but if I felt the need to douche before every sexual encounter I wouldn't have sex. Who has three hours to douche? I barely have time to have sex.

The other day I had the afternoon to myself, and treated my body. I worked out, showered carefully, lotioned my entire body (not just face and hands like usual), fixed my hair and brushed, flossed, and gargled my way to dental hygiene. I used my neti pot for the first time in six months, and despite my negative associations, I decided to try out my new douche. I wasn't even planning on having sex; I just wanted to experience it.

Given how much I love my neti pot, you'd think I'd love irrigating my bowels. It'd be cleansing, make me feel fresh, right? Well, no.

As I said above, I have the Colt Anal Douche. It comes in a cardboard box with the freakishly muscled Franco Corelli (the porn actor, not the opera singer) across the front and back. The actual douche is small and cheap looking, made of shiny red plastic and latex. There's a ribbed attachment for pleasure, but I could not fathom how it was supposed to work, so I just used the tapered nozzle.

I filled the bulb with warm water and a spoonful of salt, like with the neti pot. I like that the bulb stands upright; it doesn't tip over if you need to set it down. I used a water-based gel lubricant on myself and the nozzle, and then crouched over on the bathroom floor like I did years ago. I emptied the bulb into me, and then did some yoga poses. There wasn't a noticeable feeling, just an occasional gurgle. I was able to keep the water inside awhile before I felt the pressure. I sat and relaxed, releasing the water. I stood up and moved and massaged my stomach and then released more. I repeated this, lying down for awhile until the need to expel wasn't so pressing.

Did I feel cleaned out? I kept thinking of that time I used my neti pot in the morning, and while I was at work I leaned over to get something and water jet out of my nose. I kept wondering: Will that happen to my ass? Is this just some Sisyphean task, trying to clean out while your body constantly pushes more waste down? And does this mean I can't eat? So am I supposed to feel raw and hungry before sex? Wtf?

If someone expected me to always douche before he topped me, I wouldn't have sex with him. If I were a porn star (ha!), an escort, or into fisting, I would. That's probably necessary, and I'd have the time to relax and do that. None of those things are true for me, or many. If you want to induce diarrhea-like shitting, go ahead, but please know: It is not expected, nor necessary, in order to have amazing sex.

I've come to the conclusion that the expectation of douching before anal sex is a product of culture's abhorrence of anal sex, especially gay sex, and it is linked to filth in order to condemn the practice. We're taught early on that butt sex is either morally wrong or just disgusting. I remember in my abstinence-only high school hearing an urban legend about a girl who "let" her boyfriend fuck her in the ass, and promptly shit all over the bed. They couldn't clean it out, so they blamed it on the dog, who was then put down. Unlike Grimm's fairy tales (or many religions), that teach us that the wicked will be punished for their actions--this little anecdote took it one step further and showed us the mistake of having anal sex will kill an innocent puppy.

And I have one thing to say to that: Fuck ignorance. Fuck a shame-based culture that scares us away from enjoying our bodies and teaches us that anal sex will be dirty and should be painful. Fuck all that right up the ass.

I'm here to raise my proud fist for all the bottoms and those who occasionally enjoy bottoming to say: It is good to enjoy anal sex. You can do it. If you want to do it, by God, you should do it. You do whatever makes you feel ready (but do empty out beforehand and try to rinse): put on your favorite cologne, make your top give you a massage, play with a toy. Anal sex may be messy: embrace that. Or fuck, let it go and move the hell on. If you're having anal sex, you, at least for that time, are not the Princess and the Pea. If your top can't handle it, news flash: He/she's not mature enough be having sex, anal or otherwise. In the words of one of the first men I ever loved: Never be ashamed of what your body does naturally. We are here such a short time, such a brief moment; don't let someone make you afraid to enjoy it to its absolute fullest. Love it. All of it. Every last (sometimes messy) bit of it.


*The books I've been reading are: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men; Anal Health and Pleasure; and The Joy of Gay Sex.

Lubes: Pjur Bodyglide Silicone and Uberlube

An abbreviated version of the review for Pjur appeared on SheVibe, under the name “Discerning Sybarite.”

Before I knew much about lubes, I had this somewhat horrifying “philosophy” that it was tacky to purchase one’s own lube. I felt the same about alcohol. If it was offered, I’d take it (and rather greedily, I might add), but I’d never buy it for myself.

Now, of course, I see purchasing one own’s lube as an act of responsible, self-respecting adulthood. I see that my not buying lube was a sign of passivity in sexual matters, my inability to take control and make decisions. Also, I was ignorant. I had no idea what to look for in a lube, and I was afraid if I bought the “wrong” kind I’d reveal that ignorance or worse: my bad taste. And does buying lube mean you had sex? It was only for sex, right? I didn’t even use lotion when masturbating.

Today, I know lube is a necessity if I want to have sex or use a toy, and it can add fun to a regular old handjob. I also know that what you buy does matter. There’s a beautiful variety of lubes for an array of activities, and I keep a small arsenal of lubes now. If a lube contains an ingredient that’s banned in Europe, I won’t buy it. I can choose to put my money where my values are--in shopping small and local and supporting companies that value sexual well-being, environmentalism, and the human body.

With that being said, let me start off by writing about two silicone lubes. I almost hesitate to even write about Pjur, because they’re such a large and successful company, surely everyone knows about it? But I really like it. Pjur Bodyglide is a silky, condom-safe, long-lasting lube. It’s my favorite for intercourse, but you can’t use it with silicone toys, which sucks when you want to use a toy in the shower. Silicone is the only waterproof lube, but it will make your tub dangerously slick if there’s a spill (or if applied liberally...) It is thicker than some silicone lubes, and I know people that don’t like that consistency. I find it just gorgeous when used for a massage! The bottle makes it easy to pour, and I love using it generously all over my body for a slick rub, transitioning nicely into a well-lubed fuck. Silicone lube won’t absorb into your skin, so you’ll feel it until you wash with soap and water. I haven’t noticed it staining clothes or sheets, which is what I’ve heard about Gun Oil. The packaging is discreet and doesn’t say anywhere that it’s a sexual lubricant, just that it’s a “body moisturizer.” But everyone knows about Pjur, right?

If you want to support a smaller, newer business, buy Uberlube from your friendly neighborhood sex shop. It comes in a gorgeous glass bottle with a pump, and the name printed across it in white letters. It’s really modern looking, and I like the brazen (but tastefully so) name. It has a slicker consistency than Pjur. Once my Pjur runs out I’m going to switch to Uberlube, because I like to put my money where my ethics are. Mr. Dalloway is wild about Uberlube, as you can see in the picture--he can go through a small bottle in about two months.

Joyful Pleasures 28K Double Pleasure

This review appeared in some form on SheVibe, under the name Discerning Sybarite.

First off; it is a beautiful translucent pale gold. A lot of glass dildos with swirls and designs inside them look like pipes, but this one looks like what it is: a double headed dildo. And let’s nip this concern in the bud: Don’t worry about it breaking. Do you really think your ass or vagina is strong enough to crack Pyrex? If so: How many kegels do you do a day? I think the only way to break it would be to drop it from your roof, and then it would break into pieces, it won’t shatter. 

Or so I’ve heard. I’m not going to try that because it would be seriously upsetting to lose this toy: it’s currently my favorite, most used toy. Here’s why: The smoothness of glass means it doesn’t require as much lube as silicone toys; it just glides inside you. The unyielding quality is offset by that and its small size (just over an inch and a quarter at its widest). The head is easy to insert, and I don’t need to warm up with other toys. It’s hard but lightweight, like wood. The ridges feel wonderful as I slide the toy in and out, and the bulbous head presses against my prostate in a way that makes me feel like I’m orgasming. It’s a great shape, too. The curve makes it easy to control, and I don’t have to work to get a lot of sensation; that’s achieved either by pressing it into my prostate or by thrusting.

Glass retains heat really well, so you can warm it up by running it under hot water, but I often just hold it in my hand for a minute before inserting. When it comes out it is still so hot with the heat of my body, and that is one of its sexiest features.

This is my first glass piece, and also my most textured toy. I love the ridges, but the nubs feel violent. I’ve tried only twice, and both times by body was like: “No, no, no! Danger!” and it was a total turn off. The ridges, however, get better the more turned on I get while playing. 

I love the beauty of this piece and that I can use any lube with it. I also love that it’s so easy to clean and keeps no odor (unlike silicone toys I have that require me to clean and scrub and sterilize and worry). And finally, I love feeling the heat from my body in the gold head of the dildo. This is a toy I can’t stop touching. I am now a fan of glass pieces and proud to own one.

Vamp softskin Giorgio

This review appeared in some form on SheVibe, under the name Discerning Sybarite.

I’d had the softskin Giorgio for awhile, and only used it for sucking. It’s an impressive (read: intimidating) size, at eight by two (two?!) inches. It’s fun just to have and behold the splendor of its thickness. And it’s really beautiful. Mine is a silvery blue, like a Chagall stained glass window or Dr. Manhattan's infamous cock. It has a nice sloping curve. I like the realistic look of Giorgio: a lip around the head and a groove suggesting the urethral opening. It also has a good base, making it anal safe and harness compatible. There’s a reservoir at the bottom for a vibrating bullet, if you have one (which I don’t). Giorgio is made of non-porous platinum-cured silicone, which means it will not harbor bacteria; it’s easy to sanitize and transmits vibrations well. But you can’t use a silicone lube without first covering the toy with a condom.

Vamp is like the micro-brewery of dildo factories. They’re based in Chicago and from what I understand it’s a tiny operation, run by sex educators and artists. And there is an art to their dildos. I have a few and the colors are all beautifully marbled. Vamp has a really excellent-looking design for harness dildos, that stand like an erect penis. And the names! All the dildos are named after fashion designers, philosophers, and queer icons. The only one they’re missing is Judy. I really want there to be a Judy dildo, and it should only come in ruby sparkles. Anyway, back to Giorgio (after Armani).

Giorgio’s a sexy fatty. But I couldn’t have it just hanging out, only occasionally used for sloppy blowjobs. After weeks of mental build-up, I finally got around to trying Giorgio out. First I used a plug, then a vibrator, and finally a slightly smaller dildo before I could take it, and then I coated Giorgio with a thick oil-based lube. It has such a big head, inserting it was a challenge, but once you do it’s incredible. It was like losing my virginity all over again, except I was lucid.

I was only able to get Giorgio halfway in, but I was proud to fit that much in. I can’t imagine ever wanting to try a toy this large in Vamp’s firmer silicone--I think you need to have a little give to fit it in. This dildo made me understand why people crave bigger and bigger toys. It’s a hunk-a-hunk for size queens and the size-curious.

About Me

I’m a twenty-something gay house-husband who loves Virginia Woolf, sex toys, and my 1973 cookbook (in that order, please). Honesty, kindness, and respect are key values for me, and all of those are vital when exploring one’s sexuality. I’m an out and proud bottom in a nurturing open polyamorous relationship. I wanted to start this blog because a) I have to share my passion. A creative writing professor once asked: “Do you need to write?” And I wavered. I wrote all the time, did that mean I needed to? I wasn’t sure. It took a few years out of school, and the system that kept me writing, to realize the answer was yes. I have to write. And this is how I want to share it at this point. I want to join the conversation that is taking place amongst amazing people like Hey Epiphora and the Redhead Bedhead. I want to add my gay man’s voice; my feminist, sex-positive, English degree, sex-toy crazed voice to the conversation.