Though I've been sexually active for six years, like most gay men I've remained fairly ignorant about anal intercourse. Recently I've started flipping through books* and internet forums and the more I researched the more self conscious I became. I'd been having sex for years and never once had I douched beforehand; often I'd never even done a finger cleanse. I didn't know what was expected: no one told me and it just hadn't been a problem. The second time I had sex I asked my partner for feedback, like you do, and his response was, basically, "You'll figure out what to do later on." Not helpful. When I first started reading books about anal play and cleaning, diet and douching kept coming up, and I found myself shutting down sexually. I didn't want to have sex because I never felt "prepared" (This lasted about two weeks).
This has something to do with the fact that I associate douching with medical procedures; something that is not erotic for me. The first time I did it I was twenty-one and Father bought a Fleet enema for me because I was too ashamed. I crouched over, alone in my bathroom, and then sat on the toilet, miserably pissing out of my ass in a burning torrent. My health problem was disgusting and shameful to me, this was disgusting and shameful, and so was the procedure I'd be having the following day.
I came across that forum (linked above) for gay men discussing douching. A kid wanted to know what people thought of the Colt Anal Douche, which is what I had recently purchased in my sexual paralysis. It's basically an expensive version of the Fleet enema kit, but I'll describe it in more detail in a bit. The response to the boy's query was a resounding (and I paraphrase): "It's garbage. Buy a deluxe shower enema set with ten attachments, flush out your colon, and allot at least three hours for this procedure." Unable to stop, I read pages and pages of posts filled with emoticon winks and "Oh no! Poopie!" faces, and stories from "tops" who appreciated "how clean" their date was, and stories from "bottoms" who valued being sure that nothing would "ruin" their sexual encounter. Finally, near the end, some sane person wrote that this kind of talk was damaging for men new to anal play and curious about bottoming. Yes! I wanted to cheer.
It is somewhat insane to me that most people I talk to are more willing to experience pain when bottoming, but do not want any mess. I understand that poop is (almost) universally repugnant, but preferring to experience pain (which shouldn't happen) over a little brown on a condom? That is a problem.
I don't want there to be a mess when the dick reappears, but if I felt the need to douche before every sexual encounter I wouldn't have sex. Who has three hours to douche? I barely have time to have sex.
The other day I had the afternoon to myself, and treated my body. I worked out, showered carefully, lotioned my entire body (not just face and hands like usual), fixed my hair and brushed, flossed, and gargled my way to dental hygiene. I used my neti pot for the first time in six months, and despite my negative associations, I decided to try out my new douche. I wasn't even planning on having sex; I just wanted to experience it.
Given how much I love my neti pot, you'd think I'd love irrigating my bowels. It'd be cleansing, make me feel fresh, right? Well, no.
As I said above, I have the Colt Anal Douche. It comes in a cardboard box with the freakishly muscled Franco Corelli (the porn actor, not the opera singer) across the front and back. The actual douche is small and cheap looking, made of shiny red plastic and latex. There's a ribbed attachment for pleasure, but I could not fathom how it was supposed to work, so I just used the tapered nozzle.
I filled the bulb with warm water and a spoonful of salt, like with the neti pot. I like that the bulb stands upright; it doesn't tip over if you need to set it down. I used a water-based gel lubricant on myself and the nozzle, and then crouched over on the bathroom floor like I did years ago. I emptied the bulb into me, and then did some yoga poses. There wasn't a noticeable feeling, just an occasional gurgle. I was able to keep the water inside awhile before I felt the pressure. I sat and relaxed, releasing the water. I stood up and moved and massaged my stomach and then released more. I repeated this, lying down for awhile until the need to expel wasn't so pressing.
Did I feel cleaned out? I kept thinking of that time I used my neti pot in the morning, and while I was at work I leaned over to get something and water jet out of my nose. I kept wondering: Will that happen to my ass? Is this just some Sisyphean task, trying to clean out while your body constantly pushes more waste down? And does this mean I can't eat? So am I supposed to feel raw and hungry before sex? Wtf?
If someone expected me to always douche before he topped me, I wouldn't have sex with him. If I were a porn star (ha!), an escort, or into fisting, I would. That's probably necessary, and I'd have the time to relax and do that. None of those things are true for me, or many. If you want to induce diarrhea-like shitting, go ahead, but please know: It is not expected, nor necessary, in order to have amazing sex.
I've come to the conclusion that the expectation of douching before anal sex is a product of culture's abhorrence of anal sex, especially gay sex, and it is linked to filth in order to condemn the practice. We're taught early on that butt sex is either morally wrong or just disgusting. I remember in my abstinence-only high school hearing an urban legend about a girl who "let" her boyfriend fuck her in the ass, and promptly shit all over the bed. They couldn't clean it out, so they blamed it on the dog, who was then put down. Unlike Grimm's fairy tales (or many religions), that teach us that the wicked will be punished for their actions--this little anecdote took it one step further and showed us the mistake of having anal sex will kill an innocent puppy.
And I have one thing to say to that: Fuck ignorance. Fuck a shame-based culture that scares us away from enjoying our bodies and teaches us that anal sex will be dirty and should be painful. Fuck all that right up the ass.
I'm here to raise my proud fist for all the bottoms and those who occasionally enjoy bottoming to say: It is good to enjoy anal sex. You can do it. If you want to do it, by God, you should do it. You do whatever makes you feel ready (but do empty out beforehand and try to rinse): put on your favorite cologne, make your top give you a massage, play with a toy. Anal sex may be messy: embrace that. Or fuck, let it go and move the hell on. If you're having anal sex, you, at least for that time, are not the Princess and the Pea. If your top can't handle it, news flash: He/she's not mature enough be having sex, anal or otherwise. In the words of one of the first men I ever loved: Never be ashamed of what your body does naturally. We are here such a short time, such a brief moment; don't let someone make you afraid to enjoy it to its absolute fullest. Love it. All of it. Every last (sometimes messy) bit of it.
*The books I've been reading are: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men; Anal Health and Pleasure; and The Joy of Gay Sex.
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