This etiquette guide was written for the upcoming Tulip Toy Gallery website. Tulip is a queer-friendly shop located in Chicago, Illinois.
With Mother’s Day this weekend, it seems due time to write about giving adult toys to significant people in your life whom you don’t have sex with. I’m not sure Emily Post covers this in her etiquette guide, but a sex toy or book can be a wonderfully considerate gift, assuming you know the person fairly well. As cute and flirty as that barista is, he probably won’t find it charming to receive a surprise vibrator in return for your morning latte. But buying a gift for a friend or family member can be a unique expression of affection as well. Yes, sex toys are often a taboo subject, but they are also a perfectly normal and enjoyable way to promote well-being and self-esteem. Giving a toy is definitely a risk, and you have to know your friend to know whether or not it will offend or unnerve her. However, many people will appreciate that you thought of them, and almost everyone loves when someone notices that they are a lusty, sexual being. Plus, it shows that you care about their satisfaction and happiness!
Like with any gift you give, the spirit in which it is given is more important than the actual gift. You don’t need to empty your bank account, but be thoughtful in your choice. Giving a sex toy can open up a healthy conversation and give you the opportunity to share something that is important to you. Look at sex toys as an opportunity to get something your friend wouldn’t necessarily get for himself. Maybe he hasn’t even thought of getting a toy for himself, but you can help open up new experiences for him. A few examples:
If your girlfriend has been talking about her curiosity and hesitations about anal sex, maybe giving her a fun collection like BookSmart’s beginner anal set, “The Other Door,” would be a humorous choice. Maybe it’ll sit aside as a joke gift, but maybe she’ll try it out on her own. It includes beginner anal toys like beads and a small plug, as well as a packet of necessary lubrication.
Your brother-in-law may thank you profusely for bestowing the classy Lelo prostate massager, Bob, upon him. It’s not too expensive, and is perfect for anal beginners or for use as a warm-up toy.
Your mother will appreciate that you recognize she is a vital woman when you give her the wonderful Still Doing It by Deirdre Fishel and Diana Holtzberg. It’s about much more than sex. Also, for Mother’s Day Fun Factory is promoting giving Smart Balls to your mother.
And keep a couple extra copies of The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy or another of your favorite reads for those sexually enlightened friends of yours.
When it comes to giving a higher-end toy, like a Lelo or Fun Factory vibrator, there needs to be some discussion. It can be an incredibly generous gesture on your part, but you should know what your friend wants in a vibrator before making that purchase. But if she continually admires the silky-smooth, full-bodied Elise when you visit your local sex shop...go ahead and make her day!
And just for their consideration, don’t ask for feedback once you’ve given your gift. Once that toy is into their hands it’s up to them when they use it and how much they enjoy it. But I will say: Of all the gifts I gave this Christmas, I received the most thanks (again and again and again) from those who received sex toys or books on sexuality.
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