Hosting a Trick

This etiquette guide was written for the upcoming Tulip Toy Gallery website. Tulip is a woman-owned, sex-positive shop located in Chicago, Illinois.

A most important thing to remember about hosting a Trick is that it is not much different from hosting any other sort of guest. Just because one is doing something taboo doesn’t mean one must abandon all manners. You are welcoming a stranger into your home and it is your job to make him feel at ease. “Make yourself comfortable,” is the motto of the Lazy Host. As host, it is your job to make your Trick feel comfortable, and his to be a gracious guest and suck your cock (or what have you). Gay Mrs. Dalloway has been hosted fairly atrociously at various times in his life, and if he can stop that from happening to any other well-mannered young hussy, his English degree will not have been for naught.

Preparation

Before one has departed for the meat market, or started perusing Scruff, one must be sure to be well-stocked with lubricant and condoms. It is best to have a selection of regular, large, and non-latex condoms. And plenty! Safe sex is good sex. If the Trick has any special needs in the condom department, he will likely bring his own, but he will appreciate your consideration.

Like the spices in one’s kitchen, it is useful to have an assortment of lubricants in one’s bedroom: a thick water-based will come in handy if one’s Big Boss vibrator makes an appearance; silky silicone is absolutely delightful when used for a slick pre-sex rubdown, and just perfect for long-lasting fun; and a tub of oily Boy Butter is simply a must if mutual masturbation is the agreed upon practice of the evening.

The Invitation

Remember this succinct sentence: Only sexual predators insist. Hopefully, like the best sort of parties, the rendezvous will seem to flow forward organically, but if it doesn’t, it is imperative to gather one’s dignity and “leave off.” There is no shame in masturbating alone, but it is a thousand pities to be part of someone’s self-loathing monologue in the morning.

Before the Sex

Assuming all has gone well and the decision is to return to your domicile, it is important to follow the guidelines of any good host:

1. Take the Trick’s coat. Do not leave him to disrobe and stand awkwardly, finally throwing his windbreaker on the back of your powder blue leather couch.

2. Offer a drink, and while you prepare it, let him know where the washroom is, in case he’d like to “freshen up.” If the Trick is too drunk to have another drink, one might want to consider the wisdom of taking him to bed at all. If he’s too drunk to say “no,” that’s still not a “yes.”

3. Depending on the mood, the Trick may not be ready to trundle right into one’s eager arms. One must be sensitive of this, as he is in a new environment and may feel shy. Like the fox in The Little Prince, his dick might take some gentle coaxing to come to hand. Have a seat in a neutral space and make conversation. This is where that subscription to the New Yorker and perusal of Jezebel comes to assistance. No one likes a host whose topics of conversation are limited to the bar, his ex-boyfriend, or himself.

Hopefully this goes without saying, but please have clean sheets and be freshly showered, if at all possible. Some men like the sweaty b.o., but even if you found him in The Hole at Jackhammer, don’t count on it.

After the Sex

Once you are finished, it is most important to continue to be a perfect gentleman. Never let a Trick leave without ensuring he has been completely satisfied. It is indecent to have someone over just to please yourself. If that were the case, you wouldn’t need another person. Do not immediately throw him out, but politely make it clear if you do not intend for him to spend the night. If the Trick has traveled to you, help pay for the cab home.

And when the Trick leaves, make him feel like he was the most seductive, ruttish buck you had that week. Never take sex for granted: Be appreciative. It is only proper, after someone has ridden you like you were a pole at the Pink Monkey, to make him feel like a sex god. Even if you can’t remember his name. Richard? Pete?

It was Jake, fool.

Douching and Butt Sex Expectations

Though I've been sexually active for six years, like most gay men I've remained fairly ignorant about anal intercourse. Recently I've started flipping through books* and internet forums and the more I researched the more self conscious I became. I'd been having sex for years and never once had I douched beforehand; often I'd never even done a finger cleanse. I didn't know what was expected: no one told me and it just hadn't been a problem. The second time I had sex I asked my partner for feedback, like you do, and his response was, basically, "You'll figure out what to do later on." Not helpful. When I first started reading books about anal play and cleaning, diet and douching kept coming up, and I found myself shutting down sexually. I didn't want to have sex because I never felt "prepared" (This lasted about two weeks).

This has something to do with the fact that I associate douching with medical procedures; something that is not erotic for me. The first time I did it I was twenty-one and Father bought a Fleet enema for me because I was too ashamed. I crouched over, alone in my bathroom, and then sat on the toilet, miserably pissing out of my ass in a burning torrent. My health problem was disgusting and shameful to me, this was disgusting and shameful, and so was the procedure I'd be having the following day.

I came across that forum (linked above) for gay men discussing douching. A kid wanted to know what people thought of the Colt Anal Douche, which is what I had recently purchased in my sexual paralysis. It's basically an expensive version of the Fleet enema kit, but I'll describe it in more detail in a bit. The response to the boy's query was a resounding (and I paraphrase): "It's garbage. Buy a deluxe shower enema set with ten attachments, flush out your colon, and allot at least three hours for this procedure." Unable to stop, I read pages and pages of posts filled with emoticon winks and "Oh no! Poopie!" faces, and stories from "tops" who appreciated "how clean" their date was, and stories from "bottoms" who valued being sure that nothing would "ruin" their sexual encounter. Finally, near the end, some sane person wrote that this kind of talk was damaging for men new to anal play and curious about bottoming. Yes! I wanted to cheer.

It is somewhat insane to me that most people I talk to are more willing to experience pain when bottoming, but do not want any mess. I understand that poop is (almost) universally repugnant, but preferring to experience pain (which shouldn't happen) over a little brown on a condom? That is a problem.

I don't want there to be a mess when the dick reappears, but if I felt the need to douche before every sexual encounter I wouldn't have sex. Who has three hours to douche? I barely have time to have sex.

The other day I had the afternoon to myself, and treated my body. I worked out, showered carefully, lotioned my entire body (not just face and hands like usual), fixed my hair and brushed, flossed, and gargled my way to dental hygiene. I used my neti pot for the first time in six months, and despite my negative associations, I decided to try out my new douche. I wasn't even planning on having sex; I just wanted to experience it.

Given how much I love my neti pot, you'd think I'd love irrigating my bowels. It'd be cleansing, make me feel fresh, right? Well, no.

As I said above, I have the Colt Anal Douche. It comes in a cardboard box with the freakishly muscled Franco Corelli (the porn actor, not the opera singer) across the front and back. The actual douche is small and cheap looking, made of shiny red plastic and latex. There's a ribbed attachment for pleasure, but I could not fathom how it was supposed to work, so I just used the tapered nozzle.

I filled the bulb with warm water and a spoonful of salt, like with the neti pot. I like that the bulb stands upright; it doesn't tip over if you need to set it down. I used a water-based gel lubricant on myself and the nozzle, and then crouched over on the bathroom floor like I did years ago. I emptied the bulb into me, and then did some yoga poses. There wasn't a noticeable feeling, just an occasional gurgle. I was able to keep the water inside awhile before I felt the pressure. I sat and relaxed, releasing the water. I stood up and moved and massaged my stomach and then released more. I repeated this, lying down for awhile until the need to expel wasn't so pressing.

Did I feel cleaned out? I kept thinking of that time I used my neti pot in the morning, and while I was at work I leaned over to get something and water jet out of my nose. I kept wondering: Will that happen to my ass? Is this just some Sisyphean task, trying to clean out while your body constantly pushes more waste down? And does this mean I can't eat? So am I supposed to feel raw and hungry before sex? Wtf?

If someone expected me to always douche before he topped me, I wouldn't have sex with him. If I were a porn star (ha!), an escort, or into fisting, I would. That's probably necessary, and I'd have the time to relax and do that. None of those things are true for me, or many. If you want to induce diarrhea-like shitting, go ahead, but please know: It is not expected, nor necessary, in order to have amazing sex.

I've come to the conclusion that the expectation of douching before anal sex is a product of culture's abhorrence of anal sex, especially gay sex, and it is linked to filth in order to condemn the practice. We're taught early on that butt sex is either morally wrong or just disgusting. I remember in my abstinence-only high school hearing an urban legend about a girl who "let" her boyfriend fuck her in the ass, and promptly shit all over the bed. They couldn't clean it out, so they blamed it on the dog, who was then put down. Unlike Grimm's fairy tales (or many religions), that teach us that the wicked will be punished for their actions--this little anecdote took it one step further and showed us the mistake of having anal sex will kill an innocent puppy.

And I have one thing to say to that: Fuck ignorance. Fuck a shame-based culture that scares us away from enjoying our bodies and teaches us that anal sex will be dirty and should be painful. Fuck all that right up the ass.

I'm here to raise my proud fist for all the bottoms and those who occasionally enjoy bottoming to say: It is good to enjoy anal sex. You can do it. If you want to do it, by God, you should do it. You do whatever makes you feel ready (but do empty out beforehand and try to rinse): put on your favorite cologne, make your top give you a massage, play with a toy. Anal sex may be messy: embrace that. Or fuck, let it go and move the hell on. If you're having anal sex, you, at least for that time, are not the Princess and the Pea. If your top can't handle it, news flash: He/she's not mature enough be having sex, anal or otherwise. In the words of one of the first men I ever loved: Never be ashamed of what your body does naturally. We are here such a short time, such a brief moment; don't let someone make you afraid to enjoy it to its absolute fullest. Love it. All of it. Every last (sometimes messy) bit of it.


*The books I've been reading are: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men; Anal Health and Pleasure; and The Joy of Gay Sex.

Lubes: Pjur Bodyglide Silicone and Uberlube

An abbreviated version of the review for Pjur appeared on SheVibe, under the name “Discerning Sybarite.”

Before I knew much about lubes, I had this somewhat horrifying “philosophy” that it was tacky to purchase one’s own lube. I felt the same about alcohol. If it was offered, I’d take it (and rather greedily, I might add), but I’d never buy it for myself.

Now, of course, I see purchasing one own’s lube as an act of responsible, self-respecting adulthood. I see that my not buying lube was a sign of passivity in sexual matters, my inability to take control and make decisions. Also, I was ignorant. I had no idea what to look for in a lube, and I was afraid if I bought the “wrong” kind I’d reveal that ignorance or worse: my bad taste. And does buying lube mean you had sex? It was only for sex, right? I didn’t even use lotion when masturbating.

Today, I know lube is a necessity if I want to have sex or use a toy, and it can add fun to a regular old handjob. I also know that what you buy does matter. There’s a beautiful variety of lubes for an array of activities, and I keep a small arsenal of lubes now. If a lube contains an ingredient that’s banned in Europe, I won’t buy it. I can choose to put my money where my values are--in shopping small and local and supporting companies that value sexual well-being, environmentalism, and the human body.

With that being said, let me start off by writing about two silicone lubes. I almost hesitate to even write about Pjur, because they’re such a large and successful company, surely everyone knows about it? But I really like it. Pjur Bodyglide is a silky, condom-safe, long-lasting lube. It’s my favorite for intercourse, but you can’t use it with silicone toys, which sucks when you want to use a toy in the shower. Silicone is the only waterproof lube, but it will make your tub dangerously slick if there’s a spill (or if applied liberally...) It is thicker than some silicone lubes, and I know people that don’t like that consistency. I find it just gorgeous when used for a massage! The bottle makes it easy to pour, and I love using it generously all over my body for a slick rub, transitioning nicely into a well-lubed fuck. Silicone lube won’t absorb into your skin, so you’ll feel it until you wash with soap and water. I haven’t noticed it staining clothes or sheets, which is what I’ve heard about Gun Oil. The packaging is discreet and doesn’t say anywhere that it’s a sexual lubricant, just that it’s a “body moisturizer.” But everyone knows about Pjur, right?

If you want to support a smaller, newer business, buy Uberlube from your friendly neighborhood sex shop. It comes in a gorgeous glass bottle with a pump, and the name printed across it in white letters. It’s really modern looking, and I like the brazen (but tastefully so) name. It has a slicker consistency than Pjur. Once my Pjur runs out I’m going to switch to Uberlube, because I like to put my money where my ethics are. Mr. Dalloway is wild about Uberlube, as you can see in the picture--he can go through a small bottle in about two months.

Joyful Pleasures 28K Double Pleasure

This review appeared in some form on SheVibe, under the name Discerning Sybarite.

First off; it is a beautiful translucent pale gold. A lot of glass dildos with swirls and designs inside them look like pipes, but this one looks like what it is: a double headed dildo. And let’s nip this concern in the bud: Don’t worry about it breaking. Do you really think your ass or vagina is strong enough to crack Pyrex? If so: How many kegels do you do a day? I think the only way to break it would be to drop it from your roof, and then it would break into pieces, it won’t shatter. 

Or so I’ve heard. I’m not going to try that because it would be seriously upsetting to lose this toy: it’s currently my favorite, most used toy. Here’s why: The smoothness of glass means it doesn’t require as much lube as silicone toys; it just glides inside you. The unyielding quality is offset by that and its small size (just over an inch and a quarter at its widest). The head is easy to insert, and I don’t need to warm up with other toys. It’s hard but lightweight, like wood. The ridges feel wonderful as I slide the toy in and out, and the bulbous head presses against my prostate in a way that makes me feel like I’m orgasming. It’s a great shape, too. The curve makes it easy to control, and I don’t have to work to get a lot of sensation; that’s achieved either by pressing it into my prostate or by thrusting.

Glass retains heat really well, so you can warm it up by running it under hot water, but I often just hold it in my hand for a minute before inserting. When it comes out it is still so hot with the heat of my body, and that is one of its sexiest features.

This is my first glass piece, and also my most textured toy. I love the ridges, but the nubs feel violent. I’ve tried only twice, and both times by body was like: “No, no, no! Danger!” and it was a total turn off. The ridges, however, get better the more turned on I get while playing. 

I love the beauty of this piece and that I can use any lube with it. I also love that it’s so easy to clean and keeps no odor (unlike silicone toys I have that require me to clean and scrub and sterilize and worry). And finally, I love feeling the heat from my body in the gold head of the dildo. This is a toy I can’t stop touching. I am now a fan of glass pieces and proud to own one.

Vamp softskin Giorgio

This review appeared in some form on SheVibe, under the name Discerning Sybarite.

I’d had the softskin Giorgio for awhile, and only used it for sucking. It’s an impressive (read: intimidating) size, at eight by two (two?!) inches. It’s fun just to have and behold the splendor of its thickness. And it’s really beautiful. Mine is a silvery blue, like a Chagall stained glass window or Dr. Manhattan's infamous cock. It has a nice sloping curve. I like the realistic look of Giorgio: a lip around the head and a groove suggesting the urethral opening. It also has a good base, making it anal safe and harness compatible. There’s a reservoir at the bottom for a vibrating bullet, if you have one (which I don’t). Giorgio is made of non-porous platinum-cured silicone, which means it will not harbor bacteria; it’s easy to sanitize and transmits vibrations well. But you can’t use a silicone lube without first covering the toy with a condom.

Vamp is like the micro-brewery of dildo factories. They’re based in Chicago and from what I understand it’s a tiny operation, run by sex educators and artists. And there is an art to their dildos. I have a few and the colors are all beautifully marbled. Vamp has a really excellent-looking design for harness dildos, that stand like an erect penis. And the names! All the dildos are named after fashion designers, philosophers, and queer icons. The only one they’re missing is Judy. I really want there to be a Judy dildo, and it should only come in ruby sparkles. Anyway, back to Giorgio (after Armani).

Giorgio’s a sexy fatty. But I couldn’t have it just hanging out, only occasionally used for sloppy blowjobs. After weeks of mental build-up, I finally got around to trying Giorgio out. First I used a plug, then a vibrator, and finally a slightly smaller dildo before I could take it, and then I coated Giorgio with a thick oil-based lube. It has such a big head, inserting it was a challenge, but once you do it’s incredible. It was like losing my virginity all over again, except I was lucid.

I was only able to get Giorgio halfway in, but I was proud to fit that much in. I can’t imagine ever wanting to try a toy this large in Vamp’s firmer silicone--I think you need to have a little give to fit it in. This dildo made me understand why people crave bigger and bigger toys. It’s a hunk-a-hunk for size queens and the size-curious.

About Me

I’m a twenty-something gay house-husband who loves Virginia Woolf, sex toys, and my 1973 cookbook (in that order, please). Honesty, kindness, and respect are key values for me, and all of those are vital when exploring one’s sexuality. I’m an out and proud bottom in a nurturing open polyamorous relationship. I wanted to start this blog because a) I have to share my passion. A creative writing professor once asked: “Do you need to write?” And I wavered. I wrote all the time, did that mean I needed to? I wasn’t sure. It took a few years out of school, and the system that kept me writing, to realize the answer was yes. I have to write. And this is how I want to share it at this point. I want to join the conversation that is taking place amongst amazing people like Hey Epiphora and the Redhead Bedhead. I want to add my gay man’s voice; my feminist, sex-positive, English degree, sex-toy crazed voice to the conversation.