How to Survive "Getting By," or: Virginia Woolf's 4-out-of-7 Rule

Sometimes relationships are endangered not so much by hurt feelings and arguments, but by the belief that if we aren't passionately in love with our partner 100% of the time it isn't love. It seems silly, but there are many people who will leave a relationship as soon as the hot passion cools, rather than explore what it means to be intimate with someone you know. I have a friend who posts one of two things on her Facebook: 1) pictures of her in bikinis with duck lips, and 2) absolutely nauseating quotes about "true love." There's this particularly terrible one from marriage counselor Johnny Depp: "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

'dafuck? That is the worst advice ever, Johnny! Your broody, only-get-better-with-age eyes don't make it true. And it sums up all relationship problems, ever. That is not the way to build healthy relationships, it's only an excuse to hop from person to person, following your whims. There will always be someone new and hot, who you will connect with in some amazing way. You will write letters about Moby Dick and he'll write you a poem and when you see him on the subway, reading with his cute little glasses, you will want to rip his clothes off right then and there.

But, hello! That does not mean you don't love your partner. This isn't an either/or, and even if in your small little mind, Johnny, it MUST be an either/or; a new infatuation is probably not worth ditching your established relationship.

In these cases, I prefer to take my relationship advice from Virginia Woolf. She knew what's up. In a diary entry on marriage, she said: "Life--say 4 days out of 7--becomes automatic; but on the 5th day a bead of sensation (between [partners]) forms which is all the fuller and more sensitive because of the automatic customary unconscious days on either side" (p97, A Writer's Diary, Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc, 1954). This is how marriages/partnerships survive, Johnny. Every once and awhile we all want a little Vita Sackville-West, because we are (especially today) addicted to the new, to variety; we are obsessed with "love," especially the falling into it, those "Call Me Maybe" buoyancies; but a lasting relationship requires the understanding of the beauty in the four-out-of-seven rule.

And sorry to say, but not really too sorry, sometimes an "automatic customary unconsciousness" day might actually consist of weeks of cold, sexless "getting by," but that will end. It will be broken with a beautiful dinner, looking across the table at someone who understands what makes you laugh, and wants to see you happy. A person who has seen you at your most childish, and I don't mean that in a "You make me appreciate the world like a child!" I mean, "Stop slamming doors and face this problem like an adult!" Someone who has stood by you while you vomited your guts out and made you feel like Violetta, not Jersey Shore. Someone who you have fought with and thought everything was over, but realized all it takes is a little work and a lot of maturity. It will be broken on that fifth day, or week, by the arrival of a disappointing sex toy that he can turn into an amazing sexual adventure. But whatever does it, a bead of sensation will form and you will feel alive in your vital, complex, sexy relationship.

In addition to our addiction to love, we are equally obsessed with being happy all the time. Baseline is no longer evenness, it is happiness. And if we aren't "happy" we feel sad, sometimes desperately so. Acknowledging that sometimes "getting by" or surviving the day-to-day does not equal unhappiness is such a struggle. It is hard to be still with unhappiness, or what I now unfortunately think is unhappiness, but it doesn't last for long, and the good times mean more than the "getting by" periods.

Johnny Depp, I urge you to read The Ethical Slut and Portrait of a Marriage. Even if you don't want to open your relationship, it will be helpful to read and understand that desire and even falling in love with someone else, doesn't mean your relationship is over.

How to Give a Sex Toy (to someone you don't have sex with)

This etiquette guide was written for the upcoming Tulip Toy Gallery website. Tulip is a queer-friendly shop located in Chicago, Illinois.

With Mother’s Day this weekend, it seems due time to write about giving adult toys to significant people in your life whom you don’t have sex with. I’m not sure Emily Post covers this in her etiquette guide, but a sex toy or book can be a wonderfully considerate gift, assuming you know the person fairly well. As cute and flirty as that barista is, he probably won’t find it charming to receive a surprise vibrator in return for your morning latte. But buying a gift for a friend or family member can be a unique expression of affection as well. Yes, sex toys are often a taboo subject, but they are also a perfectly normal and enjoyable way to promote well-being and self-esteem. Giving a toy is definitely a risk, and you have to know your friend to know whether or not it will offend or unnerve her. However, many people will appreciate that you thought of them, and almost everyone loves when someone notices that they are a lusty, sexual being. Plus, it shows that you care about their satisfaction and happiness!

Like with any gift you give, the spirit in which it is given is more important than the actual gift. You don’t need to empty your bank account, but be thoughtful in your choice. Giving a sex toy can open up a healthy conversation and give you the opportunity to share something that is important to you. Look at sex toys as an opportunity to get something your friend wouldn’t necessarily get for himself. Maybe he hasn’t even thought of getting a toy for himself, but you can help open up new experiences for him. A few examples:

If your girlfriend has been talking about her curiosity and hesitations about anal sex, maybe giving her a fun collection like BookSmart’s beginner anal set, “The Other Door,” would be a humorous choice. Maybe it’ll sit aside as a joke gift, but maybe she’ll try it out on her own. It includes beginner anal toys like beads and a small plug, as well as a packet of necessary lubrication.

Your brother-in-law may thank you profusely for bestowing the classy Lelo prostate massager, Bob, upon him. It’s not too expensive, and is perfect for anal beginners or for use as a warm-up toy.

Your mother will appreciate that you recognize she is a vital woman when you give her the wonderful Still Doing It by Deirdre Fishel and Diana Holtzberg. It’s about much more than sex. Also, for Mother’s Day Fun Factory is promoting giving Smart Balls to your mother.

And keep a couple extra copies of The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy or another of your favorite reads for those sexually enlightened friends of yours.

When it comes to giving a higher-end toy, like a Lelo or Fun Factory vibrator, there needs to be some discussion. It can be an incredibly generous gesture on your part, but you should know what your friend wants in a vibrator before making that purchase. But if she continually admires the silky-smooth, full-bodied Elise when you visit your local sex shop...go ahead and make her day!

And just for their consideration, don’t ask for feedback once you’ve given your gift. Once that toy is into their hands it’s up to them when they use it and how much they enjoy it. But I will say: Of all the gifts I gave this Christmas, I received the most thanks (again and again and again) from those who received sex toys or books on sexuality.

njoy Pure Plug, Medium

I bought this plug because it came so very highly recommended by Epiphora (read her review here). She said, basically, that this plug was so beautiful and perfect it would be with you for life. And it is lovely, as you can see. Solid and shiny, like a piece of jewelry. And that’s sort of how I feel when I put it in; like I’m wearing expensive "butt jewelry," as Epiphora says. I will admit, I am turned on by putting beautiful, expensive things in my ass. It just begs to be photographed in black and white.

In case you don’t know about njoy, let me fill you in. They are the leaders in stainless steel sex toys. They have what is often lauded as the best g-spot dildo ever created: The Pure wand (I’m hankering to try it myself) and their plugs get positive reviews as well. The steel gives toys a nice heft, and it is easy to sanitize and retains absolutely no odor. Also, you can use any lube with it. It has all the benefits of glass with an added weight.

But when I opened it along with the Penetralia #28, I was disappointed by its small size. I should’ve measured it--I was given the measurements on the site, but I didn’t, I just went with what I thought I remembered Epiphora had (in fact, she has both the medium and the large and says if she'd have to pick she'd go with the large). For someone more anally experienced, the medium is just so small. It goes in smoothly and wears comfortably, but I don’t notice it very much.

I run it under hot water to make it really warm, and when I slip it in it’s like being in a warm bath. I can’t explain it; but that is what popped into my head. It feels luxurious and comfortable and sexy, not to mention you can just pop it in without warming up, but it does not turn me on in a wild way. And I’m realistic: a plug doesn’t have to do that, necessarily. It should sit comfortably in your body, and the njoy plug does that. Just that, if you will. And it does feel nice to have something weighty hanging out in your ass.

The neck is very slender, so it’s a good toy if you want pressure on your sphincter muscles and something against your prostate, but don’t want to feel “stretched out” afterwards. Conversely, if you want a plug that will be a good warm-up for something larger, this wouldn’t be your ideal choice. It’s nice to wear and masturbate with, occasionally clenching around the head of the toy. I notice it then, when my muscles pull it into me.

Be careful with it, as it does ding easily. In the process of taking the above pictures, the plug was dropped and now has a nick right in the point of the head. It’s small and almost unnoticeable, but sad, nonetheless. It’s always sad to damage a beautiful thing.

I only have a few plugs, but the Pure plug is definitely the one that is most comfortable to wear for extended periods, and the most attractive. I've worn it out only once, to visit Gay Mr. Dalloway at work. It was thrilling for about two minutes, and then I was uncomfortable about having something in my ass while riding the bus, surrounded by people, and very conscious that I couldn't take it out whenever I wanted. 

I think if I had bought one of the larger sizes I would be more pleased. But it's such a gorgeous, well-made plug. I wear it more than my other plugs, but not to get me off, more to have something sexy and weighty inside me.

The Fun Factory Delight

This review appeared on SheVibe, under the name Discerning Sybarite.

The Delight as Salome.

The Delight is made from smooth ABS plastic along the handle--the same material that is used in Legos and small kitchen appliances. It’s more expensive than other acrylics, but gives the toy heat and impact resistance, which you’ll appreciate when you’re cleaning four toys and knock Delight off the ledge of the sink. The insertable part of Delight, which is a little over two inches, is made from silicone. It is soft and flexible, like other Fun Factory G4 vibrators, but without the matte texture that can create a drag and require a lot of lube. The Delight is water resistant, so it's a good toy for shower play (as long as you cover it with a condom to use with silicone lube) and it's really easy to sanitize and clean.

If there is one thing Fun Factory understands, along with delivering deep, rumbling vibrations, it is the importance of appearances. I appreciate their eye-catching colors and quirky designs (though I do draw the line at inserting anything with eyes--like a caterpillar--into my rump). The Delight has a classy curlicue design--a bit like a seahorse (which also happens to be the design of my bookplates). My Delight is black and white, so it’s a bit like a seahorse in a tuxedo, which I’m fine with. As long as it doesn’t have eyes. And while on the subject: The Delight is so abstract you can leave it on your nightstand while visiting your parents' and no one will know what it is. And though I love a dick, I do appreciate the non-phallic aspect. I imagine it would make a great vibrator for hetero guys into anal play. 

Which brings me to a question for Fun Factory: Why isn’t this marketed as an anal toy? I don’t see any reason it shouldn’t be. It isn’t going to be sucked inside. It’s also a snap to clean with soap and water, so why the insistence that it’s just for g-spot and clitoral stimulation? I chose it over the Duke because the aesthetic appealed to me more. Is it because the Duke is just so much better as an anal toy for men? Perhaps I should try it--I might have a different opinion on the effectiveness of the Delight if I tried a toy specially designed for a man's anatomy.

The curved design is meant to hook right in and stimulate the g-spot and there is a tiny nub that allegedly stimulates the clitoris. My friend who has the same vibrator informed me they had their first g-spot orgasm using the Delight, which should be selling point enough.

As for me, I like that the handle hugs my body, so I can enjoy the vibrations all along my perineum up to my balls. The controls are right at the top so there’s no reaching to turn it up or activate the pulsation settings, of which there are three. The first is a slow build, the second a steady pulse, and the third a faster one.

It’s easy to charge, just as long as you have it placed somewhere the cord won’t be bumped and dislodge the magnetic charger. It holds a charge for a long time and takes just a few hours to power up fully.

When I want something pulsing inside me for a lazy masturbation session, the Delight is my go-to toy. It's perhaps the most relaxing of my toys--even after I come I like to leave it in, vibrating. After playing I feel at peace, with a happy bum.